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HUMOR: Trying to use the internet without giving myself headache, mission impossible.

BY CAROL MCILMURRAY

OrionNeb

So Many Questionable Articles on the Internet, So Little Time

 

How many times have you clicked on a juicy headline, only to be let down by the lack of content, mind-numbing premise, and complete lack forethought on yet another pointless article?

Most of the time it is the first sentence that makes you put down your smart phone and return to your normal life without a second thought as to the mindless “clickbait” that almost devoured your time and sanity.

Sometimes, you get a couple of automated GIFs into the slideshow spamfest before you feel dizzy, dissatisfied, and prepared not to use the internet for the rest of the day.

You are prepared not to use the internet, at all!

Well, that is before you need to know the exact meaning of a word, a new recipe, or a cool DIY design idea, or maybe you can hyperlink yourself into a new hobby or group-on deal that will distract you from the ten other house projects you were super enthusiastic about, but just don’t seem as cool once they are actually in your house and need more attention than expected.

Everything just looks shinier, and newer, with that white digital gleam behind it.

I love books, there is something about knowing how to use them and the organization of thought that I find appealing and preferable to Googling something, that I sort of care about, not so much, and then the finding everything about said ho-hum thought instantaneously at my fingertips, without any true warrant or meaning. I truly dislike being adworded into buying it, renting it, Groupon-ing it, or whatever. I won’t forget that internet stumble for another three weeks to three months, depending on the value of the product.

I feel like the mystery is gone.

Free will and free choice have been interrupted, altered, and muted. Choice and freedom now await your true monitor’s action, deletion, or inevitable suspension and sudden power down.

 

INTERNET:

“Buy Me, eat this, this product gives you cancer, look at how great this person’s life is, this other person is amazing, too! Buy this, remember that tent you looked at, buy it now! Groupon deal for event or hot tween business that you normally wouldn’t consider, buy it now, sign up for updates, get perks!”

ME:

“Internet ADHD…please stop trying to get my attention. I heard you, I don’t like any of these ideas.”

INTERNET:

“Oh…thought you needed more moving graphics, how about women getting arrested in bikinis in your zip code…or startling statistics on Obamacare, ways to cut belly fat?”

ME:

“I am not even going to respond to that.”

 

INTERNET:

“Okay, I will just search your personal email, did somebody say wedding?”

ME:

“Internet please, I’m not getting married, please, stop, this is my personal email, its kinda personal, can you not adword me here?”

 

INTERNET:

“We don’t keep any of your personal data, its just an algorithm. Singles cruise? Couples therapy? Divorce lawyer, what do you really need? We got it all. “

 

ME:

 

INTERNET:

“I’ll wait here. You’ll be back. The answer is one of those three choices. I did the math.“

 

ME:

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